A local radio station is having a contest: the first person to call in with an English word the DJ has never heard of will win $1000.
So this guy calls in and when asked for the word, he says, "Goan...G-O-A-N…Goan."
The DJ thinks for a moment and says, "That’s not even a real word!"
"Sure it is," argues the caller.
"Well then use it in a sentence," says the DJ.
The caller replies "Goan f#ck yourself!"
The DJ quickly hangs up.
About 30 minutes and many calls later, no one has won the contest and the DJ answers yet another call.
When asked, the caller says, "Smee...S-M-E-E...Smee."
The DJ shakes his head and says, "I don't think that's real word. Can you please use that in a sentence caller?"
To which the caller responds, "It's Smee again......Goan fuck yourself!" — Joke 1
A middle aged widowed woman living in SE Florida goes to the beach during the quiet time on a week day.
She sees a very handsome man, about her age, walking down the beach with his blanket and book which he sets up right beside her.
She would love to strike up a conversation with this man so she starts:
"Come here often"
To which he replies "no"
She then asks "do you live around here?"
To which he replies "Coral Springs"
Still trying, she asks "with your family?"
To which he replies "I'm a widower"
Now she's getting desperate for a conversational gambit, then she hits on pets. Everybody loves pets so she asks "Do you like pussy cats"
At this point the man gets up, rips her bathing suit off, and gives her the schtupping of her life!
As the sand settles around them, she looks up at him and asks "how did you know I needed that?"
To which he replies "how did you know my name was Catz?" — Joke 2
A bagpiper who plays many gigs was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the Kentucky back country. As the bagpiper was not familiar with the backwoods, he got lost and, being a typical man, didn’t stop for directions.
He finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. He felt very badly and apologized to the men for being late. He went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. Not knowing what else to do, he started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. He played out his heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. He played like he’d never played before for this homeless man. And as he played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, he wept, they all wept together.
When he finished, he packed up his bagpipes and started for his car. Though his head hung low, his heart was full. As he opened the door to his car, he heard one of the workers say"
“I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.” — Joke 3