• UnevenPizza
    1
    Two dwarves where sailing across the Ocean from Riverdeep towards new adventures, when one of them spotted a small flask swimming by the boat. He grabbed it and yanked it out of the Ocean. Something was engraved on the front of the flask, but it was already covered in algae, so he started to rub it clean. Suddenly the lid popped off, and a genie appeared out of a nebulous Vapor. "You have summoned me! I now grant you one wish!"
    "Wait a second" the other dwarf said "aren't you supposed to grant us three?"
    "Well, yeah, But my powers have been weakend, so I can only grant you one."
    Without hesitation, the first dwarf belted out "Turn the ocean into Ale!"
    The Genie nodded once and said "It is done." and disappeared into thin air.
    The two dwarves looked at the ocean for a while, somewhat surprised. The brief moment of silence was interrupted when the second dwarf yelled at the first.
    "You IDIOT! - Now we're gonna have to piss in the Boat!"
  • Gabriel Aquini
    1
    What's the subtle difference between Saddam Hussein and a sperm?

    One comes from Baghdad, the other comes from Dads bag
  • w0den
    1
    A pirate walks into a bar with his ship's wheel hanging from his cock. The bartender looks at the pirate, looks at the wheel, looks back at the pirate and says:
    "What the fuck?"
    The pirate replies:
    "Arrrrg, it's drivin' me nuts!"
  • Morbie
    2
    I'm friends with 25 letter of the alphabet.

    I don't know why.
  • silat
    47
    10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

    Rule One:
    If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be
    delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

    Rule Two:
    You do not touch my daughter in front of me.
    You may glance at her, as long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.
    If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body,
    I will remove them.

    Rule Three:
    I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to
    wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off
    their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots.
    Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose his compromise:
    You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object.
    However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not,
    in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter,
    I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers
    securely in place to your waist.

    Rule Four:
    I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without
    utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you.
    Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex,
    I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

    Rule Five:
    It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each
    other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day.
    Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house,
    and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

    Rule Six:
    I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to
    date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my
    daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl,
    you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with
    you.
    If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

    Rule Seven:
    As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear,
    and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget.
    If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating.
    My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge.
    Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

    Rule Eight:
    The following places are not appropriate for a date with my
    daughter:

    Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden
    stool.
    Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within
    eyesight.
    Places where there is darkness.
    Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.
    Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.
    Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided.
    Movies which features chain saws are okay.
    Hockey games are okay.
    Old folks homes are better.


    Rule Nine:
    Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged,
    dimwitted has-been.
    But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe.
    If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
    I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.
    Do not trifle with me.

    Rule Ten:
    Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the
    sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a
    rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up,
    the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait
    for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the
    driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight.
    Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.

    The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
  • bsong7
    1
    I sure hope you're at a 9+ when reading this

    Waiter: "Sir, you can't do that here"
    Man: "Don't worry, it's just an e-cigarette"
    Waiter: "Sir, vaping is fine. I need you to stop masturbating"
  • Vape It
    1
    Had my girlfriend wear her Starbucks uniform to bed for roleplay

    She got my name wrong during sex
  • NewHere
    0
    "Hey dad why is my sister called Teresa ?"
    "Because your mum loves easter and it's an anagram of easter !"
    "Thanks dad !"
    "No problem Alan"
  • VapeCritic
    1k
    LOVE IT keep it comin!

    I'm gonna wait and read them all at the same time on thursday :-! :-!
  • bonghitmcgee
    1
    This contest is great!

    My favorite joke is a picture. But I still think it's a joke, so I still think it should count...maybe even EXTRA points for thinking outside-the-[MagicFlightLaunch]box! :-P
    1333268894598_Im_Bored_Youre_Bored_Lets_Be_Un_bored_Together-s549x1201-313573.png
  • Ethan
    1
    This joke is pretty stupid and more for kids but for some reason I always giggle at it. Great if you ever need to impress some 10 year olds... lol. Ah well here goes:

    "What kind of bees make milk?"













    - Boo-bees.


    Happy 4/20 V.C. Stay up!
  • Cl4ud3
    375
    Two snowmen in a field, one turns to the other "can you smell carrots?"
  • Bruce
    183
    Yo Watz Up the VC and his Posse, My neighbors are enjoying the smell of the very best dry herbs. Whether they like it or not
  • Cesar
    1
    There was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try. He went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The priest gave him the job.
    One Sunday, the boy ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed, so he fell off the tower and died.
    "Congregation," the priest said before the assembled masses. "Does anybody know this boy's name? I don't know him, but his face rings a bell."
  • Stigolas
    1
    A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to Spain and is named Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving it, she tells her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband said: "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal.
  • Dwizard
    2
    Police Officer: "How high are you?"
    Pothead: "No officer, it's "Hi, How are you?"
  • Jake Miknuk
    12
    I went to the zoo the other day and there was only one dog. It was a shitzu
  • Bruce
    183
    Q: How do you know you are a true stoner?


    A: When your bong gets washed more than your dishes!
  • Jack-vic
    2
    How do you get close to a volcano?
    You get high. :-)
  • VapeDude28
    1
    The FBI had an open position for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were completed, they had narrowed the field down to 3 possible agents. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. 'We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.' Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair... we need you to kill her' The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife.' The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.' The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, but I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home.' Finally, the last man was given the same instructions, to kill his wife. He took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the man, wiping the sweat from his brow. 'Some idiot loaded the gun with blanks' he said. 'I had to strangle that bitch to death'.
  • puffcheetos
    1
    An octopus walks into a bar and see's a band playing in the corner. He walks up and says "I'm the best musician in the world. I can play any instrument you like".
    So the English guy goes "Alright then. Play this" and hands him a guitar. The octopus plays it better than Jimi Hendrix, better than Chuck Berry, better than anyone and hands him back the guitar.
    The Irishman says "Okay, how about this?" and shows him to the piano. The octopus sits down and plays it like never before - Better than Jerry Lee Lewis and Elton John. The best pianist ever.
    Finally, a Scotsman says "Alright, let's see ya play this then" and hands him a set of bagpipes. The octopus looks at them and fumbles with them. Couple more minutes and he's still struggling and there's no sound coming out. Couple more minutes and still nothing so the Scotsman says "Oh, so can you not play it then?"
    And the octopus says "Play it? I'm gonna fuck her when I get her pyjamas off"
  • fishbonez
    1
    Bert, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, so seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them.

    He was so delighted with his purchase he decided to wear them home to show his wife. Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"

    Margaret, aged 83, looked him over and replied, "Nope."

    Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for his new golf shoes. Again, he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

    Margaret, looked up again and said with a sigh, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

    Furious, Bert yelled out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?"

    "Nope, not a clue," she replied.

    "IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!"

    Without missing a best Margaret replied, "You shoulda' bought a new hat."
  • Jak3y7
    1
    A man and a woman who had never met before, but who were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
    Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
    At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying “‘Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket – I’m awfully cold.”
    “I have a better idea,” she replied “Just for tonight,…… let’s pretend that we’re married.”
    “Wow!…That’s a great idea!”, he exclaimed.
    “Good,” she replied…. “Get your own fucking blanket.”
    After a moment of silence,… he farted.
  • zara
    1
    One day 3 people were stuck on an island with cannibals. the cannibals said, "if you do what we say, we wont kill you". so the 3 people followed the orders the cannibals.
    So the cannibals said, "go into the forest and pick 10 fruits of the first fruit you see".
    So the first person came back out of the forest with 10 apples. the cannibals said, "put the apples up your ass without making a facial expression". The person then made a facial expression after the second apple, so the cannibals killed him.
    The second person came back out of the forest with 10 cherries. the cannibals said, "put the cherries up your ass without making a facial expression". The person then started laughing on the tenth cherry, so they killed him.
    In heaven, the person with apples asked the person with cherries "why did you start laughing?". The person replied, "i saw the third person come out with pineapples."
  • kimbrian12
    2
    Mickey Mouse is in the process of divorcing Minnie Mouse. As they sit in the courtroom, the judge says to Mickey, "Mr. Mouse, you claim the reason for your divorce is primarily based on the fact that your wife is crazy?" Mickey responds, "No, I didn't say she was crazy, I said she was fucking Goofy!"
  • Bodhi Naut
    15
    A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says under his breath:
    "Geez, That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. "

    The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, really pissed off. She says to a man next to her:
    "Wow, that driver just insulted me!"

    The other passenger says:
    "You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
  • DregerUS
    124
    You know you guys are keeping my spirits up
  • Cassie
    2
    What does the sign on an out-of-business brothel say?

    Beat it. We’re closed.
  • Rezinade
    2
    A father is talking to his son.
    His son asks, "Dad, what's it like to smoke what grandma smokes?"
    The dad says, "Well, you see those four trees over there? Grandma would wonder if there were eight."
    The son says, "Do you mean those two trees?"
  • Chap
    1
    I know this guy who is addicted to brake fluid...
    He says he can stop anytime.
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