• Dr green thumb
    6k
    The doctor walks in: ‘Sir, I have some bad news. I’m afraid you’re going to have to stop masturbating.’

    Patient: ‘I don’t understand, doc. Why?’

    Doctor: ‘Because I’m trying to examine you.
  • Alexis
    1.4k
    One I made up years ago which I thought was hilarious, and you might need to be British to get this one but...

    What do you call a dog at a rave?
    =
    "Raver".
  • Rockette Morton
    52
    A guy with three eyes, no arms and one leg is standing on the side of the road. An Australian guy pulls up in a car, rolls down the window and says “Oi Oi Oi you look ‘armless ‘op in”
  • Ctipp22
    2.2k
    There is no joke just on my way to work...hb6pwp86ornlc48w.jpeg
  • Ctipp22
    2.2k
    In a joking but kind of serious way. I wouldn't mind the seclusion.
  • Dr green thumb
    6k
    "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence? -George Carlin
  • Hazel
    3.9k
    I keep telling people I want to put an invisible fence around the house that electrocutes people who don't mind their own biz or solicit etc. LOL Like a small booby-trap type barbed electrical wire fence with a sign. Basically an invisible dog fence for humans. You think I could get away with this? jk :lol:
  • Ctipp22
    2.2k
    less lawsuits with a giant moat!
  • Hazel
    3.9k
    This one's my favorite - I always refer to it but hopefully @VapeCritic doesn't really poison me instead. I like coffee lol :sweat:

    wxl2309qpsfbd2sb.png
  • Lucic and Chong
    1.3k
    At first I was pretty skeptical about orthopedic shoes, but I stand corrected.

    2 cannibals are eating a clown, one says to the other, "Does this taste funny to you?"
  • Dr green thumb
    6k
    Three men were talking about who has it the worst at the nursing home

    "Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"

    "Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"

    "Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."

    "Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.

    "No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."

    "Do you have trouble crapping?"

    "No, I crap every morning at 6:30."

    With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"

    "I don't wake up until 7:00."
  • Baron23
    11.1k
    small historical variation on that one:

    This is Lady Astor and Sir Winston Churchill

    71260516326509144ca7a9c9436a1c79.jpg
  • Dr green thumb
    6k
    DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas, and talks with an old rancher..
    He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for ill*gally grown dr*gs."
    The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
    The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."
    Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher.
    "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land.. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
    The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores.
    A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis Bull...
    With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety.
    The officer is clearly terrified.
    The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs...
    "Your badge... Show him your badge!"
  • John Cocktostone
    1.1k
    Ask me if I'm orange.
  • Gonzo
    452
    Orange you gonna tell a joke?
  • Dr green thumb
    6k
    An 85-year-old man goes to see his doctor for his regular physical exam. The doctor says that the man needs to provide a semen sample and gives him a jar saying, "Take this jar home with you and come back tomorrow with a semen sample."

    The next day the old man goes back to the doctors and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as when the doctor gave it to him. So the doctor asks what happened and why there is no sperm sample in the jar. The old man says, "Well, doc, it's like this... first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand - nothing; then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Maisie, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing."

    The doctor is really shocked by all this and asks incredulously, "You asked your neighbor???"

    The old man replies, "Yep, not one of us could get the jar open."
  • Dr green thumb
    6k
    Q: How does a woman scare a gynecologist?
    A: By becoming a ventriloquist!
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